I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
