Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
there's paper in my vomit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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