people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
