its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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