i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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