the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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