Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
