if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
