things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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