There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
