you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
3pm strippers are depressing
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
