I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
