the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
