i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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