What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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