one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
