I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
