Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
