"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you never un-have a 4some
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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