i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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