TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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