This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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