In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I could make wine with my vomit
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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