FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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