I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
