the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
