goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
