my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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