And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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