You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sponge bath it is.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
