i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
