hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He shit in the fireplace
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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