New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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