Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
