How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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