Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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