I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
