I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
