I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
