You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
