he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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