Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
