Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
