Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
