smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
