Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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