Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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