you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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