Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
