i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
