I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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