I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
