do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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