seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
