hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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