my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
