Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
