allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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