I am spending my child support on dildos
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize