Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
