some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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